hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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