my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
