Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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