it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
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I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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