i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
