Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
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he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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