I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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