just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
