see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
