eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
