My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
