the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
