my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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