cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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