Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
