He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
