That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
