can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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