I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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