You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
