i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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