I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
