i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
