The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
organizing the empties. That sober.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
