Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
