I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
