Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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