Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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