Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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