Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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