I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize