Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You're a waste of cheezeits
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
