Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
