I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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