ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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