I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
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So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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