im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
