Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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