he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
