But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
