just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
false alarm. still invincible.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
