Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
