I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
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Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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