My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
