By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
