I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
