Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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