first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
