Taylor Swift is so right about you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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