My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize