god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
