Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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