Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
