I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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